Not What I Wanted
by Kaliotrimma
Summary: I loved Takeshi. I also couldn't stand him. 8059, angst within, implied suicide.


Dude what the hell is wrong with me. This one starts off happy and then goes down the crapper.

* * *

"You fucking bastard I will kill you!" I flailed uselessly against Takeshi, who firmly held me back. It was possibly for my own good; it was bad for your health to threaten Hibari. Bad for your health as in, he would fucking slaughter you. "Takeshi let go I'm gonna kill him!"

"No you aren't!" Takeshi said carefully, pulling me farther back. And Hibari, that pompous bastard, he was _so_ smug. I wanted to punch his face in. I really did. But that was a little difficult, what with my stupid Takeshi keeping me away. I kicked at the air, yelling as Takeshi lifted me up. My next tactic was to bite him, but Takeshi was used to that. I chewed on him in bed. I yelled more when Hibari _walked _away, silently, that stupid Hibird chirping along happily. I attempted to kick Takeshi next, where it would hurt, but he knew me too well and saw it coming. I did manage to kick his shin though.

It probably hurt me more than it hurt him. Takeshi was something like solid muscle- I would be the one to know, having him on top of me almost every night. Not that I hadn't been on top... kind of. Literally on top and dominant partner were two very different things. It seemed like he was always the one dishing it out and I was eager to take it. Seem nothing, that was exactly how it was. But it wasn't bad either way. But Takeshi, now, was making me mad. My foot hurt. I attempted to rub it, but his arms around me prevented that. "Takeshi," I hissed, "Put me down."

"Promise you won't try to kill him?"

I paused, annoyed. The tips of my feet barely brushed the ground. "... fine."

"Really?"

"I said fine, didn't I?" I snarled, growling at him and kicking my feet again. "Put me the hell down!"

He did so, albeit reluctantly. I straightened, then looked around suspiciously.

"Hayato..." Takeshi warned, giving me a 'You'll be in a world of pain if you do this' look. It didn't matter; Hibari was long gone. I couldn't even say for sure what he'd done to piss me off. Something about the tenth and squirrels... or was I making up that last part? It was possible; I hated Hibari and I hated squirrels. I love the tenth though.

Not _that_ love. I loved Takeshi that way... sometimes. And he was... well... Takeshi. I loved him a lot, but we'd been having a lot of minor scuffles recently, and a lot of problems overall. Not just the usually fighting either; we were_ not _getting along. It was probably my fault. I wouldn't admit it. I knew that I was wrong in almost every situation, but I kept picking fights with him, baiting him, testing his patience. I could see his smile begin to be a forced thing, not the smile I was so used to. It was bad, so bad, but I couldn't help myself. I wanted him to be mad, to be mean. I wanted to explode, and scream at him; I wanted to actually fight him until we were scratched and bloody and bruised.

I loved Takeshi.

I also couldn't stand him.

And all of that emotion, that unrequited need to fuel his rage to the breaking point- Takeshi, who I'd seen angry possibly twice in the time I've known him, Takeshi, who only showed anger towards those who endangered his precious friends. I wanted him to be so mad at me that he would break. Those emotions swirled inside of me, conflicting with the love and fear, adding in the hate. It had to come to a head eventually. And it did. It happened days later, on the roof of the school. It was during lunch. The tenth had been absent; it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been training with Reborn. If he had been at school, we never would have lost it all. So Takeshi and I had taken our usual delinquent spot and eaten... and talked. Of course we talked about the future that wouldn't happen, the future we had destroyed. Of course we talked about our companions. And Takeshi said something... something trivial, something so minor; I couldn't say what it had been. But it somehow triggered a reaction, and I _exploded_. Suddenly, I was screaming at him; that he was too relaxed, too naive, too trusting. My gut churned, and my head pounded in time with my pulse. His face went from shock, to horror, and finally, _finally_, rage. I'd gone too far, I'd pushed too hard, but I'd seen that tantalizing glimpse of fury. I knew what I had said. I knew how terrible, how cruel it was.

And he'd punched me. I deserved it, god knows. I'd been so cruel, playing upon that terrible future that would never, never occur. How could I have done that? Just to see him angry, I had twisted the events that passed, I had blamed him... for the tenth. I'd put everything on his shoulders, made him responsible. I'd told him that it was all his fault that the tenth had died in the future world. I'd told him that it was his mindset had resulted in such horrors, that it was _him_.

How could I? How _could_ I? To see him mad, to have that infinite kindness drain away into rage and fury- why? And I knew, but I knew it wasn't worth it, not the pain I had just caused him. My Takeshi; I was unbelievable, unforgiveable, unthankful- and he was telling me that as I stared, dumbfounded, holding my cheek where he'd hit me. The only person I'd loved so unconditionally... I'd hurt him so much. The stress of everything since we returned to our world, it was too much for me to bear without breaking down, and he'd seemed so perfect...

"It's _my _fault? Hayato- if anyone- _you were there too!_ You could have stopped it as easily as I could've, and then that Tsuna wouldn't have died! But _no_, it's stupid Yamamoto's fault! I can't do anything right if it isn't fucking you, can I? I thought that you were- that we were..."

I knew exactly what we were. On the roof. On the _roof_. I looked at the fencing, heart racing, remembering. All of those rumours, and I knew the truth; it hadn't been a prank. He'd really meant to just. And it had been _this_ roof, this same roof. He could do it again. And this time the tenth wasn't there to save him.

Just me. Just... me and my fear. And he looked at me sullenly. "I wouldn't jump. That would make you far too happy, wouldn't it. You'd get someone else out of your life."

That hurt. I knew I'd hurt him, but I had no idea... no idea at all, that my Takeshi could hurt anyone back so easily. And not me, never _me_. But I was screaming at him again, heart pounding, eyes wide with shock and fear. I'd lost my father's respect, I'd lost my _mother_, I couldn't even look at my sister without immense amounts of pain. I couldn't...

"_Takeshi you bastard! Don't you dare even joke about that! I'd be fucking diving after you if you ever jumped and you fucking know it!_ I'm- you- aagh! _I'd die!_ Don't joke about it! _Don't!_"

"I _won't_. I've got things to live for now." Takeshi gave me a heartfelt glare, and it was like he'd punched me again. I lost my cool and did a complete 360, faster than a bullet.

"Jesus Christ Takeshi, I don't- I didn't mean- I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was mad, I was fucking wrong, just please don't say things like that! I just..."

I'd completely broken down and I didn't know what the hell to do. I was turning into a hysterical blob, tears and snot dripping down my face, my body shaking.

"Just... please..."

I didn't know what I was asking for. And he didn't know either. I thought to myself, _Its all over. We're through, I ruined it. He won't ever want to even see me again._ He looked at me, and I saw fear.

I'd shattered something, I'd broken something inside of him.

"I'm sorry," I whispered again, desperate to explain, to somehow redeem myself. "I'm always... I'm always the one who overreacts and does stupid shit. You're always so cool and collected, so reliable. I wanted... I wanted to know that you weren't perfect, because someone..." I scrubbed at my face, refusing to look at him. 'Someone so perfect would never want to be with me."

"I wanted to be with you from the very beginning, Hayato. But you... did you ever really want to be with me?"

All I could do was stare at the ground, my hands in my lap, shoulders shaking. He had been mine, once, a warmth that I had been so certain about. I had been certain that it would never fade. But... everyone had a breaking point, and I'd found his, and I'd chipped away at it until there was... nothing.

I loved him, but I wasn't sure if it would do any good.

And when I looked up, he was gone. And I was on the roof.

* * *

Waaaaah Gokkun why?? You stupid. Yamamoto can only take so much abuse, anyone can only take so much abuse!

And... hint... Gokudera is on the roof. Three guesses as to what he's going to do and the first two don't count.


End file.
